thoughts of an artist, a mother, a friend, a wife, a sister, a daughter

Yes, I do

2011-06-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

..believe that everything happens for a reason.

I believe that the not so pleasant things that have happened in my life have allowed good things to happen that otherwise might not have.

I don't really know where I am wanting to go with this thought.

Sometimes people have to make mistakes and do stupid things in order for them to remember what is really important.

Life is too short to throw it away on insignificance. Love the ones you love. Enjoy being in the moment. Don't let the moment enjoy you.

Day 2 : 06.26.2011

2011-06-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep well at all--Had a bad case of insomnia. So this morning when i went back to bed at 7:30 I didn't wake until 11:40 (luckily my sister and her boyfriend were here to help with the kids)

Breakfast: none

Lunch: none

Snack: 1 strawberry

Dinner: jr. bacon cheeseburger (plain) from Wendy's
small fry
2 can of coke

I don't usually skip meals. And I do not think this is a proper way to lose weight. But when I am stressed and sad, then I can not eat. I need to stop drinking coke, and buy me some water!

Day 1 : 06.25.2011

2011-06-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

Breakfast: 1 (Kashi 7 grain) waffle
1 tbsp syrup
1 cup fat free milk

(I normally eat 2 waffles--blueberry--if I eat waffles that morning. And the grain really filled me up. One was plenty. I actually had to make myself eat the last few bites.)

Lunch: 3/4 of a (hamburger Tostino's) pizza
2 tbsp ranch dressing
1 can of coke

(wow! lunch was bad!! I forgot I was trying to watch what I eat. ugh!)

Snack: none

Dinner: none--only because time got away from me

About 10 pm: 1 chocolate chip cookie
1/2 can of coke

**No exercise.

A New Beginning

2011-06-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

Ok! I had a difficult time documenting my personal project 52. Especially when school started. So, I decided if I feel like posting I will. ha.

I am on a mission now. I have made up my mind. I am going to lose this weight. I am going to get myself healthy. I am going to have more energy. I am going to be able to dress the way I want again. Let's face it, plus size clothing is a huge slap in the face. That is unless you have a lot of money to spend. Anyways. Moving on. I will be able to seduce my husband without feeling self-conscious. I will feel comfortable in a bathing suit when we take the kids to the beach. I will not have to worry about what I look like dancing. I will reduce my risk for diabetes.

There are many many reasons i want to lose weight. But the reason that sticks out the most is that I want to enjoy my life and not have to worry about stupid things. And I want to be healthy and be a good role-model for my kids. I want them to see that exercise is important, and so is eating a healthy and balanced diet. I do not want my kids seeing me shove chocolate ice-cream in my face everyday. I want to make good choices, so they will make good choices. But it can't be about the weight. The key word is HEALTHY.

I DO NOT.. and I repeat DO NOT want my children to be weight obsessed. Too many young kids are these days--and it makes me sick. I want my kids to enjoy life. Not worry about being the thinnest 3rd grader.

So...I know how I am. I know that I will give into my temptations. I will eat that ice-cream and then feel guilty. I will not succeed without someone to back me. And sure, I could ask Justin to be my wingman on this. But lets face it. The minute he steps up and says "Jennifer, you shouldn't be eating that." I am going to flip out inside and immediately resent him. My brain will tell me he thinks I am disgusting. And that's no good for anyone. So, internet friends, you will be my shoulders.

I am not asking anyone to tell me that I did bad, or even good. I just know that if I will be held accountable (somewhat) then I am more likely to follow through.

So...I will be journaling what I eat daily. I will also be journaling my activities. And yes, I will also be documenting my weight. Either weekly or biweekly.

I know this is going to be hard. I am even going to take a picture of myself. Which I regret to inform you will probably not go up on this blog until later. But hey--maybe I will get brave and post it. ha.

Enough of this. I better go to bed. We are taking the kids swimming tomorrow. I am hoping to get some sun. And some pool exercise. :)

Home Schooling

2011-03-28T10:01:00.001-07:00

Ok, I must admit I never really understood the whole homeschooling thing. But a few years ago I thought about it a little more. It has since always been int he back of my head. Usually along this scenario:

We sell all of our belongings. We move far away and live off the land. We make our owns clothes, and so on... and of course we would home school.

But just recently has the thought of homeschooling our children come to the front of my mind. And I have been researching and talking to other moms that home school their children. Now I can't seem to push the thought to the back anymore.

I have no idea whether or not this would be the right thing for our family. But I want to atleast try it out. I have been talking to Brenna about it, and she is on board, which surprises me because she loves going to school.

I would feel bad to start this next school year though. That is when Trent starts pre-k, and he has been waiting on that day forever. He wants to go to school so bad. And I would definitely want his big sister there with him. So maybe in another year or two I will get to take our family on the homeschooling journey. I can't wait!

Plus, I don't know how I would juggle running a business, being a full-time nursing student, and homeschooling, along with everything else I must take care of in our life. So...we will see. Maybe we will do a little practice run this summer just for fun :)

5 People 12 Times : February

2011-03-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

This technically was taken the beginning of March. It was taken in out backyard using the self-timer.

Week 11/52

2011-03-25T16:31:00.001-07:00

I took the kids out for a little photoshoot while my sister was visiting. She said she wanted to see how the kids responded. And like usual they acted as though the camera was a natural part of my arm, and if asked to do something they would. I just love this image of Brenna and Emily. (You wouldn't even know that Brenna was whiny and hated it bc she said the grass was too itchy-haha). A perfect sisterly moment.

Week 10/52

2011-03-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

Wow! I am trying to get these caught up. This is an image of Brenna and Trent playing on the gate in our backyard. Brenna was sick.

I Know I'm Behind....

2011-03-24T07:02:00.001-07:00

I know I am behind on my Project 52. I know I have images to share for the past couple of weeks, I will work on getting those up.

I have just been super busy with school, the business, life, kids, stress, trying not to become depressed, blah, blah, blah!

I always say that we make our own happiness. We make our dreams come true. Nothing comes of moping around.
Recently money has been more than tight, it's been pretty much non-existent. We need money to live, to pay our rent, to put gas in our vehicles, to eat. I mean how can you do anything without a little money? You can't.

Justin's job ran out of work for him, that's one of the downfalls of construction. So here we sat with no money coming in. And we just recently ran out completely. He luckily got a part-time job locally that is willing to work around my school schedule. But unfortunately it will not pay our bills.

So the stress begins!!!

Yes! We still have the photography business--that we just started. We haven't even passed out our business cards-because our website is not finished yet. We are still making money from it, otherwise we would have been living with one of our mothers by now. ha. But it still isn't enough. And running a business costs money!!

I am looking for houses or offices to clean to supplement our income. While I am in school there isn't much I can do as far as working goes. So that seemed like a good option--If I could just find some places to clean!
I find out next week whether or not I made it into the LPN program. Oh! The torture of having to wait for this. I am so nervous because our entire future is banking on this. On me finishing school in a couple of years as an RN, and then Justin will be a stay-at-home dad and I will be the bread-winner. We will both continue with our photography business. But we want to have job security. And maybe one day our business will be so successful that it will be our main source of income.

When Emily is quiet you better be scared!

2011-03-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

Yes! This is a true statement. If she is not within sight and you can not hear her--then you best go running to find out why.

As if she had not caused enough damage today with her makeover, she decided to put on my mascara again tonight and play in the water (her new obsession). I assumed she was playing in her room (I definitely should have known better). But she came walking in here to me dragging a wet towel. And I looked at her face--she had mascara covering her forehead.
And handed me my makeup remover.

I jumped up and dragged her to go clean it off. And then I heard the running water. The same sound I heard a few days ago. She had left the sink on and there was water all over the bathroom floor. (Yes! She did this earlier in the week)

I put her in her room and stressed that she better not come out. I grabbed several towels and threw them on the floor. Turned off the water. and then went to clean off the mascara. She was quiet and didn't make a fuss. She knew I was upset.

I told her that she would lay down and better not get up. She hasn't so far.

She is clearly the adventurous one. And I love her to death. She is certainly testing my patience. And it's not like she does these things out of meanness. She is just curious.

Week 9/52

2011-03-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

Wow!! Never a dull moment when you have little ones!
My oldest came into the living room today and told us that Emily was in the bathroom cutting her hair and putting on my makeup. We all ran in there to see the mess. It was so worse that I had expected.

At first glance i thought to myself, "Ok. This is fine. I can handle whatever she has done."
But then Brenna holds out a huge chunk of hair. And I go into panic mode. Of course I hold most of it inside. And then I saw it. A HUGE chunk out of her head. And a bald spot to top it all off.

I felt soo helpless. What in the world would I do with this?

I ran out of the bathroom about to cry and immediately called Anna (my hairdresser).
Luckily she was there at the salon (she never works on Saturdays).

I got dressed and cleaned all the mascara off Emily's face adn we rushed to the salon. We ended up leaving it. There wasn't much to do with a baldspot. So now we must wait it out. And try to cover it with hair accessories.

Week 8/52

2011-03-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry. I have been pretty busy lately and didn't get around to getting my blogpost up for last week. So here it is now. :)

Justin loves to grill. I guess it's a guy thing.
He had Trent help him last week and of course Trent loved it.
I on the other hand was not so sure about the whole fire thing.
But everything turned out ok. And safety measures were taken.

Week 7/52

2011-02-17T17:18:00.000-08:00

The weather has been so nice this week, so we have spent a lot of time outdoors. It's been nice.

One day this week the kids and I took blankets and pillows outside on the front lawn and just layed out in the sun. We then ate our lunch out there. It was so nice, and different (which made the kids like it even more). Justin thought we were crazy. haha.

Also this week Justin put up a tire swing. The kids are in love with this thing. And it's so cute to watch them swing on it and take turns.

I am loving it out here in the country.

Emily has chocolate all over her face. ha.

Week 6/52

2011-02-11T05:37:00.000-08:00

My kids hardly ever sleep in their beds these days. With Justin working out of town we will all just pile up in the living room. On the weekends when Justin is home I have them go to their beds (except for Trent-he wants to sleep with Brenna-or us). I feel bad for him because his room is at the very back of the house. So I let him sleep wherever as long as he isn't playing.

I decided to show them all on the couch. This is how they start out usually, but I often have to split them up and move 2 of them to the recliners. I love how much they love eachother. It's so sweet.

Brenna thought they should act as though they were sleeping, so I went with it. She closed her eyes and Emily rolled over and stared at her and started rubbing her arm. It was soo sweet. To be so mean, she is such a lover.

(He is not really sleeping)But this is EXACTLY what he looks like when he is. Thumb in mouth and blanket in hand.

These were their favorites for the night. Brenna is really the only one that switches hers up. Emily loves her Jesse doll and Trent loves his Woody doll.

Family Vacations

2011-02-10T07:29:00.000-08:00

I know lot of people that are able to just drop about $1000 or more on a weekend trip somewhere several times a year, but we are not one of them.
Never have been. EVER. But this year we filed taxes early and when we got our return we decided we should go somewhere. Take a family vacation. Enjoy life.

We went to Savannah, GA. And it was soo great!! The only things we will do differently next time is: bring a babysitter-so Justin and I can go out on our own; and stay longer-2 days and 2 nights was NOT long enough at all.

We got there around 7pm-I think. And we hadn't booked a room anywhere so we had to find a vacancy. We found one at the second hotel we stopped at-so that was pretty easy. That night we ordered pizza from a local place and had it delivered to our room. I must say that it was amazing pizza-BUT I do not advice ordering pizza like that when you are in a hotel room with 3 little children. It was kinda difficult to eat-and messy. The kids ate on the bed. And Emily got some pizza on the bedspread. Ugh!!

The next morning we got up and got ready to go explore. The kids were up way early! We walked over to River Street--and it was so cool. We took the camera-or course. But bc our other lens broke we only had a telephoto lens-which made it difficult to capture the images we wanted. So I said we had to find a camera place and go ahead and buy a new body and lens. We did! :)
We also went to Target and spent way too much money on a lot of clothes (and Emily a Jesse doll). haha.
The plan had been to go back to River Street. But honestly we were all soo tired from the shopping we went back to the hotel room. For dinner we got ready adn walked down to Five Guys.
We fell in love with Five Guys while living in FL. It is the bext burger place we have ever encountered! I definitely suggest trying them out if you are near one. Homemade fries!!

Savannah is soo beautiful--and at night it takes on a whole new feel. But I don't really think that downtown Savannah is a place for small children at night. Especially not River Street (we were there in the morning before the shops opened-but there are a good bit of bars and even puke on the sidewalk fromt he night before). We would have loved to hang out more downtown and go to River Street during the evening, but not with the kids. So after we ate to the hotel room we went.

Sunday was our last day there. I took the kids to eat breakfast, while Justin checked us out.

Then we all headed to Tybee Island. Our last day was probably the most productive. haha. We had so much fun! We can't wait to go back!

Week 5/52

2011-02-03T09:06:00.000-08:00

Taking naps is something I hated as a child, but in highschool--I grew very fond of them. I still enjoy a nap every once in a while, but even more so I enjoy it when my children nap.
Unfortunately they are getting to the ages where naps are no longer important. Emily and Trent will still become sleepy in the early afternoon, but if they take a nap they stay up very late. So I have decided not to make naptime important around ehre anymore. If they do fall asleep though-I do not wake them. :)

Even though Emily should probably still be taking naps, it is easier for everyone if they are not enforced. She doesn't get whiny at the end of the day like Trent always has. But she will often fall asleep on the way to pick Brenna up from school. When this happens she almost always stays asleep when I bring her inside.

Yesterday she fell asleep on the way to get Brenna and like always I brought her to her bed to finish off her nap. And lastnight she was up very late!

5 People 12 Times: January

2011-01-30T20:39:00.000-08:00

No plans were made. No reservations were set. We just packed our bags and loaded up in the Expedition for a weekend family getaway to Savannah, GA.

Tuesday we thought about just maybe taking a trip to the good old city of Savannah. A place where we have been wanting to visit. And the place where we said we would move once I finish school (in a bout 2 years). When Friday rolled around, we got up and got ready, packed out bags, and headed northeast.

When we got there we had to find a hotel with vacancies--and we did downtown. Justin paid the extra few bucks for valet parking--which was well worth it! Will definitely always stay where they offer valet! This was soo convenient not having to worry about finding a parking space, and having the car brought to the front if we wanted to drive somewhere. It was weird that they had to carry our bags to our room for us though! Not something we are used to. We are people that do things on our own. And I felt so strange having someone do something for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself.

Our first night was difficult. Trent cried for a long while about wanting to go home. The next morning the kids were all up well before 7am! And ready to go. I was super exhausted (especially from driving 4.5 hours the day before).

We had such an amazing trip. And while it would have been a ton easier if the kids wouldn't have gone, we would have missed them terribly! And I don't think I could be that far away from them and for that long. Maybe when they are a little older.

Justin says he definitely wants to move to Savannah now. I would like to visit a few more times first. I did love it! But I want to make sure that it's somewhere that I would love to live and not just visit often.

Sunday morning we took out first 5 people 12 times photo. It's not perfect, but I love it. Trent's sleepy eyes with blanky in hand, Emily is actually smiling, and Brenna always ready for a picture. This is our little family. We are truly blessed!

Week 4/52

2011-01-27T17:01:00.000-08:00

This week while working on schoolwork the kids were all playing as usual. I started watching them. And Emily was wearing high heel. Trent was wearing Brenna's old Georgia boots with fake spurs. And Brenna was wearing tap shoes.

The high heels are my younger sisters. She left them behind when she moved north. So I borrowed them for the girls to play with.

The Georgia boots were Brenna's. But she has outgrown them. Trent LOVES them! He wears them almost everyday. They are too big, but he doesn't care. And for Christmas he got a sheriff playset, that include some plastic spurs. So cute!!

The tap shoes are from a friend's daughter. Brenna has never been in tap or ballet. She wears these tap shoes everyday. She loves the clanking sound they make on the floors. (I remember loving that about high heels when I was little--but now I hate the sound. haha.)

These are things I want to remember. I want to remember the laughter and the pretend play. The little things they thought were cool.

Week 3/52

2011-01-24T14:01:00.000-08:00

I know this is LATE! But atleast I got it up. Since I hate taking pictures of myself and I hate looking at pictures of myself--doing a self-portrait for my group 52 challenge was difficult. Not to mention I had to pull out the old kodak easyshare. We bought that camera 6 years ago. When Brenna was a baby. We spent about $350 on that 4 megapixel camera. YES, PEOPLE!! That was not a typo. How far we have come with technology!

I took a lot of photos in our bathroom by the window. And then just before we were leaving I snapped one in front of the window in the dining room. And that was my keeper for the group project 52. but among all the rejects there was one of me with no glasses and my eyes closed. A me I never see (well because of the obvious-haha). I liked it. I am dreaming. I am escaping. Calming.

I can't wait to show you what I have planned for my 4th week!! :)

Overwhelmed

2011-01-24T06:09:00.000-08:00

I have this awful anxious feeling constantly. And I knwo I have a lot to take care of, but my goodness! I made a list lastnight thinking that would help ease off this weird feeling of anxiety, but it didn't. I am going to try to accomplish everything on the list today in hopes of not feeling so overwhelmed. Wwe will see...

I don't know if it is that I am being pulled in so many different directions and my mind can't focus? I just know that I can't do all of this alone. Justin working out of town is really starting to take its toll on me. I need him here, we are partners in this life we are creating, and I need his support.

Trying to start a business if no easy task. And while I still love it, I have other things waiting to be taken care of. Like school. Unfortunately, school starts to take a back sseat to everything else in my life. And I need to start setting aside a slice of each day just for school.

It's just hard when the kids are constantly needing and wanting something. And the house is screaming to be cleaned. And on and on....

I better get off to school now, I don't want to be late.

1/52: Self Portrait

2011-01-21T17:59:00.000-08:00

I am doing a project 52 with a group of photographers from The Bloom Forum. Each week we will have a different theme. I am so excited about this project (along with the other 2 I am doing). This is our first week and the theme was Self Portrait.

I had a few things in my mind for how I wanted to approach this week's project. BUT Justin took the camera with him to Tallahassee. He was supposed to be back today, but now isn't coming home until Tuesday. SOO I had to improvise. I charged the battery on our 6 year old Kodak Easyshare. And then snapped away. The last image was the one I liked best. I took it in front our dining room window. Great afternoon window light.

I will be posting some of these here. But all of them will be posted over at the Hill Art & Photography blog.That is our temporary blog for now. We will be working with Breeze from Trust the Air on a custom blogsite in a week or two. SOOO excited about that!

Sleeping Beauties

2011-01-17T20:30:00.000-08:00

I could watch my kids sleep for hours on end. I want to hold them and kiss their little faces. These are the moments that are held so dear. They are sweet and calm. And will let you stare into their beautiful faces for more than a few seconds.

I often ask Emily to please just let me look at her. To let me hold her on my lap and memorize her face as it is at that moment. She has allowed me to do this once. And it was for maybe about 30 seconds. I'm sure I am not the only parent that enjoys filling her mind with her children's beauty.

We are always running and busy. And our kids never stop to breath. They are constantly in movement. I think sometimes we forget to see eachother. To really look into ones soul. For now I will enjoy these little sleeping beauties.

It scares me to think that this will all be gone soon. That they will all be grown with families of their own before I even realize it. So I will cherish all these moments. And document all I can. For these moments are fleeting.

Week 2/52

2011-01-15T15:25:00.000-08:00

This is a little late.
These were taken one morning this week. Emily was standing by the window and Trent ran over to stare with her. They are getting along a lot better these days. Of course there are still days with lots of fighting and yelling. And I will be soo happy when that comes to a halt. Which I think will be when Trent starts Pre-k. So that's a little bittersweet.

Keeping Me Company

2011-01-04T18:55:00.001-08:00

This is our first week in our new home, and Justin is working out of town. It sucks! Having him gone is no fun. And on top of that I am a big baby about staying by myself. I have actually done really well though. If I allow mylsef-I can come up with about a hundred reasons why I should be scared. But I have been keeping my mind off of thinking about "bad things".

I do miss Justin terribly. I didn't realize I would miss him this much. But I do! And I can't wait until he gets back home with us Thursday. It is going to be great when he finds work around here.

Lastnight Trent kept me company. Tonight Emily has been by my side. (Trent fell asleep early.)I am trying to enjoy these moments with them. I know that soon they will be far and few.

Project 52

2010-12-22T11:20:00.000-08:00

I am excited to announce I will be taking part in project 52. A lot of people do project 365, but I recently learned about p 52. And that is definitely more my speed. I can certainly do a photo a week. But I don't really have the time to do it every single day. And I would feel bad for not finishing p 365-so I decided to do
52.
I now just need to come up with a theme. I think I am going to make an album at the end of the year with all the photos. I want to do something that is special to us. That we will cherish as a family.

I am also contemplating doing something like Tara Whitney did this year. Hers was called 6 people 12 times. But mine would be 5 people 12 times.

I am sooo excited for the new year!!!

Mini-Sessions...

2010-12-20T17:02:00.000-08:00

We did mini-sessions in Moultrie in November. It was our first set of mini-sessions. I was a little nervous we would fall behind, but we had penty of time. All the families that participated were so great. They were all very sweet and fun. We had a great time. While we were waiting on our first appointment we decided to take some shots of our kids.

New Year. New Beginnings.

2010-12-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

Well, our time in Florida is coming to an end. Along with the year. We will be moving back to Georgia New Year's. We had been talking about it, and a rental came up that really caught us. Especially because in a year we will have the option to buy.

We have a lot planned for our photography business. I am a little cautious calliing it a business, but I suppose in a month or two it will officially be a business. We are changing our pricing structure. We will be (possibly) getting a custom logo. We will be getting a website and blog. We will be purchasing new equipment. And so much more! I can't wait to get it all out there. It's very exciting!

I will be transferring to MTC to become an LPN. Then I will bridge over to become an RN. It will take me less time to do it this way, plus I can go ahead and start working sooner. And I will get to do it with a good friend of mine, which will help a lot!!

I am so ready for 2011!

It's times like these....

2010-11-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

...that I wish I had a credit card. But I do not have one. And therefore I must wait until I have the funds to purchase a new camera!! Ours is on the fritz!! And i really don't want to try to get it repaired because 1)we can't afford that, and 2)we have been wanting/needing a new one. It just really sucks. We planned on getting an upgrade in Feb (when we get our income tax return). But atleast we still had the Rebel until then. BUT now it looks like we will have nothing. Or sometimes we will have nothing. I don't know what it wrong with the camera--the shutter button doesn't work half the time. And the focus isn't working half the time either (which I guess is the lense--but it's a kit lense-so I don't really care). It has gotten us by this far.

We have several mini-sessions this weekend. So we will be renting.

This really makes me sad--because it means we have to put things on hold again. But maybe it is for the best. I have school to concentrate on.

I am not sure which camera we will get. I want a full frame--but that will have to come a lot later. Almost $3,000 is certainly not happening anytime soon. But I do know we will be getting the Canon 50mm 1.4. I have heard a lot about the 40D--which is hard to come by. So until I can get my hands on a 5D Mark II-I think that 40D will be good. But who knows.

I've been thinking alot lately....

2010-11-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

about EVERYTHING!! I know some people think that money is bad, or it can not bring happiness. Well, I agree money itself will not make a person truly happy.

But money helps one stay a little happier. Less stressed.

I often say I wish I were rich. While that would be nice--I don't really care about being rich. I just want to have no worries about paying bills and still have extra to splurge sometimes. take family vacations, own a home, etc.

I am currently in school to be an RN. While this is not my dream career--it will help us stay financially afloat. And then Justin (with my help) will be able to start our photography business (for real).

I still wonder if we should continue to get our name out there. It costs a good deal of money to start a business. And maintain it. And I want to make sure that this will be a successful one.

I want my children to have memories of family trips. I want to go to the mountains, and amusement parks, and so much more.

I could go on and on...but I have a million things to do.

Little Wrinkled Feet

2010-11-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

Emily loves to take a bath. And often to stop a tantrum in it's tracks I suggest she take a bath. She swims in my tub and plays and splashes. For those next 30 minutes she is as content as can be. (and it allows me to get a few minutes of peace)

She will call out to me that she is done--and I fetch her a towel. But lastnight when I came back with a towel for her she was laying down in the water with her feet propped up in the side of the tub. It was a perfect capture--and I quickly ran to grab my camera. Of course when I came back she was sitting up. So I asked her to lay back down and do it again. She did (which is rare).

I love her little wrinkled feet.

Images I am Thankful For

2010-11-12T13:40:00.000-08:00

The older we get the faster it seems life passes us by. I remember being in elementary school and thinking I'd never get through to the next year. But now every year feels like it goes by faster than the previous. This makes me want to hold onto memories even more. And for me the best way is with photographs.

I started out loving photography for it's artistic aspects. I still do, but it has evolved into something more. I want to capture moments. I want my photos to tell a story. I want them to raise memories from the dead. And while we can't literally stop time-a photograph seems to allow us to in a sense.

I wanted to share some images that make me smile and will for years and years to come. When my children are grown I want to have many memories--and for when my mind fails me I will have photographs to bring them back to the surface.

These (obviously) are just a few. It was very difficult to choose. I have soo many that bring back memories.

These 3 are of Emily playing. I was sitting at the computer and she would come up to me needing the lipgloss opened, wanting to wear Brenna's bra, and wanting to take my picture.

We recently found out my dad has cancer. And this was taken at my niece's first bday party. When my dad got there he wanted hugs. Trent is quite shy, but daddy pulled him in and loved him. I quickly took a picture. This melts my heart and brings tears to my eyes.

When we first got Lola. She was free. And she was the cutest and most cuddly little ball of fur.

I took the kids outside to play and thought I'd snap some photos. I wanted to get atleast one of all three of them looking and smiling. haha. Brenna had the idea of looking sad. So she told them to all make a sad face. As you can see she is the only one that did it. But it was soo funny. As soon as she said that I started laughing.

On the same day we went out to run around--Trent had his great idea of putting sticks between his fingers to be wolverine (fromthe X-Men). This is so Trent!

Brenna at my dad's. My stepmom has a home daycare-so they have lots of toys and playhouses in a fenced in area of their yard. The kids loved it. They hadn't really met my dad and stepmom much before. But they took right to them.

I should be studying....

2010-11-10T12:11:00.000-08:00

BUT my mind won't concentrate on all these A&P terms. AAHHHHH!!! I have a test tonight. darn you procrastination!!

Studying has never been a strong suit of mine. Probably because I have never had to study. Never! For real. And yes i did very well in school. But I guess after three children this ADD is really kicking in--and kicking my butt. I have always had a rough time concentrating when reading something I found to be boring, but I was able to force my mind into liking it for a little while. Now--oh, now it is different story. I have MANY distractions. And I can't tune any of them out.

SO you see...this is why I am on my blog instead of reading about the nervous systems and muscles. Yes! I waited until the last minute. Yes! I feel terrible about that. And I always have every intention of doign things the "right" way. But my ADD gets the best of me. (--Just so you all do know--I DO NOT KNOW IF I IN FACT DO HAVE ADD!!!)

I guess I should get back to these quizzes before Emily wakes up.

Emily's 2nd Birthday-Revisited

2010-11-05T11:09:00.001-07:00

We try to make our children's birthdays a big deal around here (who doesn't, right?). We have never had the funds to go all out, but regardless our children know they are loved and they are grateful for everything the receive.
When a birthday doesn't fall on the weekend, then we have a cake and sing happy birthday just the 5 of us at home. (And then we will have a party on the weekend.)But this is our opportunity to have a family "party". And celebrate one of our own.

I have been looking at old photos lately. And editing some of them to my liking. I came across photos from our family birthday celebration for Emily turning 2. It brought back great memories. And just look at the love.

Hill Art & Photography

2010-11-05T09:53:00.001-07:00

I created a new blog for Hill Art & Photography. The one on Tumblr was just not working out to my liking. I won't be completely satisfied until I have a website (with a blog) that is completely customized. but until then this will have to do.
Here is the link.

Loaded Weekend (for us)

2010-11-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was overflowed. The kids had a lot of fun, which always makes us have more fun.
Friday night we prepared ourselves for the next 2 fun-packed days. I cleaned the apartment (except for Trent's room and my bedroom).
Saturday morning we slowly crept out of bed and reluctantly got ready for the day. Or maybe it was just myself. The were all in costumes, and i brought a change of clothes for all three (I knew it would get hot). We finally made it out and headed downtown to the festivities. Um...can I just say it was not all that great! But the kids really enjoyed it, and that's all that matters. Right?
We came home with lunch and ate. The kids were supposed to take a nap, but that did not happen (I was very disappointed-but I wanted to go to sleep). Later that afternoon-we got cotumes on again. Although, this time Brenna had no wig and wore leggings instead of her tights. Trent had a short-sleeved shirt on. And Emily had a short-sleeved leotard on. It had cooled off from the noon sun, but I wanted them to be comfortable. We made it to publix just in time. They made their way around the entire store, stopping to hold out their buckets at every department. Then we headed to a church. A church that I went to when I lived here a million years ago. That has trunk-o-treat. And then we walked over to the jump houses. Um...yeah. That was a no way! A million kids crammed in there, while no adults supervised. I think not! The kids got their faces painted instead (we spent about 20 minutes standing in line). Then we came back home.

Somewhere in that night we got movies. I am pretty sure it was at the end-after the face painting. Yeah, it was. Because I remember Emily was asleep when we got to Blockbuster, and I carried her around the store. Then when we got home, of course she was wide open. And didn't go back to sleep until about midnight. Think it was all the sugar?

Sunday I had good intentions. But they didn't pan out like I hoped. We went to Publix (again), but this time it was for groceries. When we got home we made lunch and then the kids were sent to their beds. I was determined a nap would happen (atleast for them). Emily finally knocked out a few hours later around 5. I figured it would be ok because I'd wake her at 6 to go to a fall festival. Well, about 5:30 I laid down in Brenna's bed, and didn't wake until 7:30. So we missed the festival, and I was afraid it might be too late to go trick-or-treating since we would still have to get ready.

I felt bad for the kids, who acted like they were too tired to even care. So all was well. And the house is back in complete disaster mode again. I will be busy today for sure.

Thoughts of a Mother

2010-10-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

Like most moms, I often wonder if I am parenting right. Am I going to screw up my kids beyond repair? Am I setting good examples? Am I raising our children to be the people I imagine them as adults? Will they be independent adults? Will they show sympathy to those less fortunate? I could go on forever.

Parenting three children is rather difficult. I find myself rethinking so much lately. I am trying different techniques, and get frustrated when it doesn't work out. I know part of the problem, which I am learning to deal with, is that I want instant results. And that is not always going to happen with a 2 and 3 year old. Not even with a 6 year old. I guess no one is perect and we all struggle.

I did get some reassurance the other day in the car. We were on our way home, and Brenna tells me "Do you know what I was just thinking?" i replied "No. What were you thinking?"

She then tells me she want to be better. Ok. I was really confused by this statement. And frankly it scared me. My first thought was that we were going to have to start dealing with self-esteem. And we have yet to trample onto that ground, because brenna is very self assured. But then she continued...

She said she wants to do better and finish all her work in class (she has been struggling with this because she likes to help all the other students on her group with their work, and she gets bored, and she likes to socialize). She also said she wants to listen to us better. And she said she wants keep her room clean.

I was in shock. I couldn't believe that she was even thinking about those things. I was so proud. My little 6 year old was maturing and thinking responsibly. My bright child. Maybe we are doing something right. :)

Life with a Toddler

2010-10-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

Cleaning up messes like this has become part of my daily routine, and I very much daydream of days when I no longer have to worry with this sort of headache. Do you even know how uneasy it is to clean up spaghetti?

Brenna was such an easy child, and still is. I never really grasped the idea of a hyper and extremely free-willed toddler, until now. Trent was very "go with the flow". But Emily is a totally different story. She colored all over herself with a green marker one night. And I didn't even know until she came to me to "go potty", because she was supposed to be in bed. And just because it is washable, does not mean it comes off easily.

I often fail to come up with ways of parenting her. I have no clue how to reach inside and get her to listen. And I find myself wishing her toddler years away. But then I remember she has moments of sweetness and tenderness. And I sometimes have to remind myself she will only be little once, and I have to endure the bad and ejoy the good.

And she is my last child. No more babies for us. Although I secretly wish for just one more (another boy).

Just like Daddy

2010-10-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

I know I have neglected this blog for some time now--But in my defense I have been moving, without the internet (still am), and taking on life.

I am realizing one thing--that my children's annoying habit of aggravating eachother might just be hereditary. YES! I think it is a predisposition that may not be helped. Or it may just be learned from their father. Either way, I think the culprit is their daddy.

Now Brenna doesn't care to annoy others. But Trent and Emily find some (actually lots of) joy in other's misery. Mainly Emily does things to aggravate Trent, while Trent does things to aggravate Brenna (maybe this is just a younger to older sibling rivalry we are dealing with here).

Lastight Emily was laying beside Justin on the couch (while watching a movie). This is something that happens almost never. She rarely wants to have anything to do with him. So of course he was loving it. But then (and he knows how moody she can get) he starts picking at her. I mean, come on! She was sitting so quiet and content, but he couldn't resist apparently. I even warned him, but he proceeded anyway. And once was not enough-he continued until she had enough and moved away.

Then I started thinking--Trent and Emily both aggravate their older siblings like their happiness depends on it. And maybe it is something that Justin has given them, whether biologically or through example. Whatever the reason--I think I am giving up on trying to stop it all the time. (Although, if you have ever heard Trent's whine you might see why I hate for Emily to annoy him. And I feel sorry for Brenna when she gets it from Trent, because I remember being just like her when I was little and my younger sister constantly did things just to get o my nerves--I guess it's an attention thing.)

--And by the way, we all get it from Justin. haha.

Moving Day

2010-09-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

Moving day is coming soon. It may actually be sooner than we thought. And they got us a 2nd floor apartment. So glad for that!! And Saturday we are going to look at the place we will be living. Our original move in date was set for October 1, but it looks like we might be moving in Sept 25. A week sooner.

I can not wait to be finished with school. I feel like we are in this limbo for now. Waiting for life to really begin. Even though I know our life is happening right now.

Homework and Fighting Children

2010-08-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

I completed my first essay for my writing class this morning and typed it up and got it turned in on time. A class that I foolish must take because I foolish forgot to take the Regent's tests. So now I am stuck taking a reading class and a writing class. Classes I would not have to take had I taken the test becaue I would have passes the test. Oh well. We live. We learn.

This morning Trent adn Emily have been bickering aimlessly over everything. It is such an annoying sound. It almost interfered with me getting my assignment turned in on time. Luckily I was able to calm the waters to give me just enough time to finish typing and submit my work.

Afterwards was a little different story. They fought more over cars being stolen and blankets being captured. Emily like to aggravate Trent because she knows she will get such a dramatic performance from him. Unfortunately for me bathroom time never means quiet or alone time. (Emily is pretty much attached at the hip). The fight was brought into the bathroom, as I sit helplessly on the toilet. Thank goodness I have been working with Trent on not tackling Emily to the floor everytime she takes his toys. I was able to keep Trent somewhat calm and I got the car from Emily. I asked Trent if there was something she could play with, and he gives me this look like "I know, I know." haha. I have also been trying to get him to give her something in return of his toy. So maybe she won't steal it back.

For the most part my days are a little easier with Brenna and Keegan in school. But now Emily needs entertaining. Before she followed the three older kids around.

Well naptime calls and I think it is time for me to get a little shut eye too.

First Grade, New Places, New Beginnings, Old and New friends

2010-08-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

Brenna started first grade this week, and at our top school choice. YAY!! She has a first year teacher, which has made the transition into a new school easier. Brenna is a very resilient little girl though. She handles change very well.

This move has been good and a little difficult. Trent has probably had the hardest time with the change. He just wants his own room with his own bed and his own toys. I can't blame him. Living with another family is very hard and trying sometimes. I love my sister and her family, but I like my own space.

We move into our apartment in a month though. So it is coming on quickly. We have been here at my sisters for almost 2 months now. And at one point I really thought I was going to lose it. Mainly because I never got a break from all 5 kids. But as it is getting closer to our move-in date it is getting easier.

I have been seeing a lot of people I went to school with when I lived here years ago. That is really neat. And how cool is it that my best friend from when I lived here lives in the same apartment complex as my sister. It feels good to be a little familiar with things even though this is a new place for our family.

We have been very blessed to have Brad get Justin this job, and for Ashley and Brad to allow us to live in their home with them. I know it has to be hard on them too at time. I mean we practically live in their living room. I try to keep it cleaned up. And I hope they know that I do appreciate it!

I am in my 3rd semester at darton, but it is my first semester towards my RN degree. I will transfer to school here next semester (and apply for the nursing program--and hopefully I get in and that will start next fall and be for two years).

I hate neglecting my blog--but it is hard to get on whenever I want. plus, now that school has started I use the computer time I get to work on school. Things will be better when I get moved. I have a few things planned for this blog. I can't wait. And I have left my camera in GA, so no pictures for the blog for a little bit either. Sorry.

I'm 27!!!

2010-07-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

I will post birthday pics soon. They are on my computer (which is in GA-and is no longer connected to the internet).
We are moving to Florida. Atleast until I finish school. We have been driving back adn forth on the weekends for the past few weeks. Since I am watching Ashleys kids I have to be here during the week when she works.

Brenna will be 6 Monday. Not sure what we are going to do for her birthday as of yet. I wanted to take her to Disney for her party/present. But it might be too hot and too expensive. I will have to see.

Looking for schools here is not easy. The school I want we will have to live in a certian area for Brenna to attend. So we are working on that. We are getting Trent's speech tested in Sept. If he qualifies then he can go to a 3 yr old pre-k at another school, then Brenna will go there. I don't know. We will figure it out.

Taking it Slow Doesn't Exist in our Vocabulary

2010-07-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Everytime I say we are going to take is slow and be "smart" about moving this time. And everytime it feels things get rushed. In our defense this time it was kinda out of our hands the way things have moved.

My sister and brother-in-law offered to pay me to watch there two children when Ashley (my sister) works. She is a nurse and only works three days a week. She wanted somewhere that charged a daily rate, bc she didn't want to pay for when they were not being cared for by the daycare. Then my name got brought up, and well yeah.

Of course Justin was all for it, because well rent is alot more here and he isn't making as much as he made before he got laid off. So the money I will make from babysitting will supplement.

Now we stand in a sort of limbo. Staying here in my sister's small apartment during the weekdays and then driving back to GA for the weekends. Back and forth. Still paying all of our same bills up there while we need to be saving to get a place of our own.

When Ashley has off we have been driving around checking out some of the schools. We both have a favorite. And it is teh same school-luckily. But unluckily we have to live in a certain area, which we do not-and we will not have time to get there by the time school starts, So I have my second choice ready.

I got registered for the fall at my school I have been attending. And that makes me feel great! I will be transferring to the same school my sister attended in the spring. And hopefully I will get accepted into the nursing program, so I can start in the fall of next year.

I guess it all works out pretty well, I have my part time job that doesn't take me away from my children. And still gives me a lot of "free time". And I can still drop off and pick up my children at school. ANd I will be doing the same for Ashley.
It seems to all be working out. It just scares me that we are jumping into something. Although our life was needing a big change. ANd so far even though I feel a little scared at times, it all feels great.

Fiji Water

2010-07-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

is growing on me. The first sip I was quite disappointed. Not like it wasn't good, just I was expecting it to be amazing. haha. But the more I drink the more I like. Not to mention the bottles are too cool.

I have also been reading on their sites. And I must say I am very impressed. Water untouched my man and the air. And reducing their carbon footprint. There is so much more..go to www.fijigreen.com for more info and for links to even more info. :)

I'm in Florida

2010-07-08T07:09:00.000-07:00

We came with Justin this week. This was his first week, we weren't doing anything, and I'd get to see my family here. I think it was really good for Justin that we came. We might even stay next week too.

Justin's mom is watching our kitten, so that is good. I do miss our little Lola. We left the house in total disarray. A disaster. It was last minute that I decided to come with Justin. So there wasn't time to clean, and we were rushing like crazy.

We went and got a few things from Publix yesterday. It was so nice to be in a nice grocery store that had so much more to offer (lots of organic, etc). That may sound strnage to some, but in Moultrie there isn't a publix. When we lived in Orland, that is where we grocery shopped. I missed it. haha. The things that make us smile when our priorities change. ha.

Ashley wants to go to the beach Saturday. I am not sure yet. I did bring the kids' swimsuits, but not mine or Justin's. So we will have to see.

Luckily...

2010-07-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

I made a little bit of money at my yard sale this morning. And it was cool most of the time I was out there, so that was nice. We needed this bad!!! Justin leaves Tuesday for Fl to work. SO there we need to get a new tire on the car, maybe an oil change, and it is time to renew the tag. Money, money, money makes the world go round. Unfortunately, the world continues even when you have nothing.

Quilting Anyone?

2010-07-01T21:38:00.001-07:00

I love quilts. They are pretty, fun, creative, colorful, and so comfortable. Brenna and Emily both have quilts for their bedding. Now, poor little Trent still hasn't gotten any bedding. He does have sheets and his Disney Cars pillowcase and comforter (that fits a toddler bed).

Along with curtains, I want to sew Trent a quilt for his bed. We have had a hard time finding bedding we really like (that doesn't cost a fortune). That is the main reason I want to sew the kids' curtains for their rooms. I have yet to find anything I really like, and they are soo expensive. We spent $25 per panel for our living room curtains. Even though we had the money at the time, it was almost torture to hand over that money. Call me cheap, I don't care.

I constantly find things that I like, but I always think I could make that myself. But then where is the time for it? That is why my children do not have curtains to dress their windows. But one day I swear they will (haha).

I think I should first make Trent a quilt, so his room looks a little more put together. And he should have bedding that fits his bed (yes, the sheets do fit). Here are a few fabric combos I am liking (I am just wanting to so do a striped quilt). I know I could have found more and more bc I am not really positive what i am looking for as of yet. (All fabric was found on etsy.)

Did you read that right?

2010-07-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well, today I called my school and changed my major. It as a little scary, but felt good. I felt like it was right. But I still can not help but wonder if it is indeed the right decision. It all seems like this is the best choice to make for us, but only time will tell.

I changed my major to.....Nursing. Yes. I will be an RN. My sister recently graduated and is now an RN. I never thought I could do this job, but I am hoping I can. She seems to think I can, and she knows me better than anyone.

I figured I will finish in the same amount of time it will take me to finish my other degree (that I have already given a year), plus I should have an easier to finding a job. Let's face it, the teaching field is getting a little scary. And I will make more money. These all seem like very valid and great points.

In the end, Justin and I still want to have a successful photography business. But of course we all start somewhere, and this will also be a backup. We will continue to work on making our dream a reality, even though now it might take a little longer (but that is bc of possible moving adventures in the near and distant future). More on that later.

Lurking

2010-06-30T06:44:00.001-07:00

I frequent many blogs. And etsy shops. I love finding inspiration from others creativity. And lets face it--the internet has a vast world of creation out there. I recently searched jewelry on etsy and I came across this awesome necklace...

So...like most people do (I am sure)I clicked on it and then looked around the store. And I found several other pieces I LOVED! I love vintage and vintage looks.

The pieces are very reasonably priced. Unfortunately I have no money flow right now, but maybe some of this stuff will still be available when I do.

You can also look at her other store here. And read her blog here.

Daydream Believer....

2010-06-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm a dreamer. Always have been. What can I say? But unfortunately I have little time and money to invest upon these many dreams. Nonetheless--that does not make them any less important to me. I still hold on to all the things I dream of and I know one day the time and money will come to my rescue and set them free. Until then here is a list:

1. Sew the kids some clothes
2. Sew some stuffed animals/toys
3. Paint 100 paintings
4. Put art up around the house
5. Sew curtains for kids' rooms
6. Exercise 4 times a week
7. Start an organic garden
8. Recycle
9. Make weekly or monthly menu
10. Save coupons
11. Buy mostly organic/hormone free foods
12. Order organic snacks and candy from Amazon
13. Sell used clothes on Ebay weekly
14. Donate stuff to goodwill
15. Update personal blog atleast twice a week.
16. Reach my goal weight of 130 lbs
17. Tummy tuck/breast aug and lift
18. Create an inspiration book
19. Sew a quilt
20. Buy a water filter pitcher to save money and waste
21. Make my own jewelry again
22. Sew some of my own clothes
23. Visit Savannah
24. Take kids to beach yearly
25. Take kids to Disney
26. Go to live comedy show
27. Have date night with Justin atleast once a month
28. Make a recipe book
29. Write a book
30. Visit Canada

I am sooo sure I can add more to this list, but I need to get going. I have a 2 year old hanging on my arm.

Party Planning

2010-06-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

We had Emily's 2nd birthday party this past weekend. It was so pretty on the deck with the canopy of lights. But there was an absence of a lot of invited guests. Which makes me wonder if I should start rethinking my invitation lists (I mean if you haven't come to a party 3 times in a row--what does that mean). And if you are not going to make it, why not call? Anyways...the few people that did attend-thank you. I had a fun time planning this party--but wish I would have had more funds to do everything I wanted.

Life-Altering decisions

2010-06-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

SCARE me!! It freaks me out knowing that my decisions affect other people that are the most important to me. I don't want to screw anything up and make their lives anything less than awesome.
So far Justin and I have done a pretty good job of keeping out heads above water, especially in our short time of gaining three little lives to look after. Of course we want much beeter for our children (and for ourselves), so decisions must be made. And these things are not easily come by. I scares me to think I might make the wrong choice, and then our future will be much less than awesome.

I have never been a good decision maker anyways. Especially with BIg ones--like the decision I am faced with now--What to major in--What will my career be?

Well, as I have mentioned before on here-Our main goal and dream is to open a photography studio. And we will of course continue to work toward that goal, but in the meantime we have a family to worry about. We have bills to pay and children to clothe and feed. So when I say career choices-I am thinkning in the back of my head "fall-back career".

I thought I knew what I wanted to do--teach. But with the economy so strung out and schools losing more and more funding, and jobs getting harder to come by--I am really starting to rethink my decision. Luckily I only have a year of schooling behind me. Soo...here i am thinking that possibly I could go to school to be an RN.
Yes--A nurse. When I was little I wanted to be a doctor (among other things which also included teacher) so maybe this isn't completely pulled out of the air?

I really shouldn't care where I pulled it from I guess. I just want somethign that I will enjoy and still have time to spend with my children. And I want something that will provide a good income for my family. And that I will more easily find a job.

I think I have it all figured out, but it still makes me wonder. My sister just finished school to be an RN-and she will ehlp me a lot. So, I think this is it. And I feel good about it.

First comes..what?..

2010-06-18T18:14:00.000-07:00

Being young, married and having three children is no easy feat. No one tells you that there are tons of other young married couples with children (and maybe even without) that are in the same boat. You are all fighting to keep it above water.

I am coming to the realization that Justin and I will more than likely be married for many years to come. We have come a long way in our five years of marriage. And I am so happy for this. There were time I thought we'd never make it, that we were bound to end up divorced. But we both stuck it out and made it to where we are now.

We still have out days and moments where we want to pinch (and sometimes maybe even punch) the other, but behind all the madness we still know we love eachther. It is hard though. It takes a lot from both sides. And marriage itself is work, but when you add children to the mix you enter a whole new realm of obstacles to hurdle.

Regardless, I love my family and I thank God for each and every one of them every night. This is my life and I am happy.

The party is ON

2010-06-15T14:53:00.001-07:00

I am excited. I finally figured out what to do for Emily's 2nd birthday party. And I am thrilled. haha. We are doing it on a Friday evening. I figured since it will be so hot out, we should do it when the sun is starting to set in an effort to not die of a heat stroke. I have a lot of ideas, and I am about to go look online for more and for places and things to get/make. I have the invitations ready too! Now I need to get a few addresses and mail them out. Hopefully I will get this party rolling.

Spinning

2010-06-14T07:12:00.000-07:00

As my children sit on the couch watching television, I can feel my heart slowing to a normal pace. I need to feel that I am not alone in this parenting business. But it scares me to think I will always be. It angers me that he is still laying, eyes closed, all snug, in our bed. Sure he was awake later than I, but only for his enjoyment.

The stress begins to wear me down, and I can feel it tugging at my chest. My mind all contorted and strangled. I really know the living definition of overwhelmed.

Cleaning messes is part of the game. But there is something about the consistency of one half doing all the work. No wonder she is always angry mouthed with no smiles or laughter. It has been drained. But she longs to have a constant smile stretched across her face. Breathing would be easier. Mind would feel clearer.

Party Plans

2010-06-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

I am always so behind on planning parties, actually behind on most everything. It is past due for me to get the ball rolling on Emily's 2nd birthday party. I have been pondering what we will do to celebrate her turning two years old. I think we will have an ice-cream party here at the house. I have several ideas on decorations. How I just need to get on it and make them. I need to get invitations filled out and sent off also. But I guess we should decide on a date and time. This is such a crazy month for birthdays. We have several other birthday parties to attend this year. AAHh! It stresses me to just think about it.

It's been 2 years....

2010-06-02T07:55:00.001-07:00

I can not believe my baby is turning 2 this month. In two weeks to be exact. WOW!! Time flies. Which having two other children, I am no stranger to how fast the little babes grow. But oh my! She is my last little one. No more babies. No more babies to nurse.

I am looking forward to no more diapers. And having a tad more freedom from the constant dependency. But it still saddens my heart to know that I can no longer have another child, even if I wanted. But that was a choice I chose. I felt it was more important to be here with all my health with the three children I already have, instead of risking my health to potentially have another child. It was an easy decision, but that doesn't mean I do not get the urge to grow another baby and nurse that baby, and watch he/she grow.

But just as fast as these feeling come they flow out faster. I am reminded that I indeed have my hands very full already. And that I am so close to my three loves having a little more independence. Now granted, Emily has a ton of independence, but it is not warranted. She is scavenger. This child rarely asks for help, and when she does it is because she has already tried on her own. Now do not misread our parenting in this. This is just how the child is wired I guess. I would much rather her come to me with everything, and I never have to worry about what in the world she is getting into. There would be far less messes around here to interrupt the day.

Emily is a very smart (almost) 2 year old. She talks better than Trent in some cases. She loves to color (on her furniture and self mostly). She is quite stubborn (which is a household dilemma). She is so tiny for all the spunk she carries. She adores her sister and brother (mostly). She is very funny, and knows this.

I could not believe it when I found out I was pregnant with Emily. And I was a little scared (since I had placenta abruptio with Trent). But I am so happy to have her in our lives. She totally completes our family.

Back to the Everyday

2010-05-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

My sister left today after lunch. It felt strange this time around. I felt like she was taking a piece of me with her. I was even sad to see my brother-in-law leaving.

I guess I can really tell I need a change in my life. I need people here that I feel safe enough to let into my world. That doesn't happen often. I am a pretty closed off person. Consider yourself one awesome being if I allow you even a look into this world of mine.

It has always been very difficult for me to let myself get very close to someone. And in relationships I have usually tried to push the other person away if I felt I was letting my guard down. I guess it's my defenses taking over-damage control. I don't want to get hurt. So I force the other person out in order to not get too close.

This was somewhat problematic with my marriage. But I think I am a little more mature now and luckily I have a husband who really does love me-so he puts up with it. ha. I have gotten a lot better about being scared with Justin. But I think I will always be very wary when it comes to being true friends with someone.

I pretty much stick the the surface. And with only a few people will I go deeper.

Time for Maintenance

2010-05-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

Cleaning around here gets put off and delayed. And then when cleaning actually does get done, it is time for a good cleaning within a few hours following. It is so stressful and not to mention very annoying!! Because I think I have mentioned before that I HATE TO CLEAN!!

Well, my sister will be in town Thursday night for the weekend. So it is time to get out my real cleaning gloves, and make this house presentable. (She loves to clean-maybe I should leave it all for her. haha.)

I miss her soo much. She just finished school to be an RN. I am very proud of her for that accomplishment. We are a lot alike, and also have a lot of differences. But she is my best friend. And I think we share more similarities than not. I wish she would move here, I am in need of her companionship often. And a phone call never suffices.

30 Days in Rotation

2010-05-25T20:34:00.001-07:00

I am putting together 30-day meal menu. I will also be putting together shopping lists to accomodate these meals. The plan is to have breakfast, lunch, dinner, and 2 snacks for each day (for 30 days). I want to try to get 30 seperate breakfasts, lunches and dinners. I will have a variety of snacks-but I am not too worried about having 60 different snack options. I want them to all be somewhat healthy.

I am really excited about it. So far I am seeing it is a lot of work, but well worth it. I want to eat healthy, but I am soo picky, so it is easier to fall. I think once I have a menu plan in action things will be so much easier to stick with. And although I am very picky (like hardly any veggies) I am still placing different things in the menu. Just because I don't like it, doesn't mean the rest of the family shouldn't eat it. And who knows, maybe after a while I will try some squash and like it.

Art & Photography

2010-05-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

I blogged about Justin and I wanting to eventually have our own photography business. Well, I started a blog for Hill Art & Photography. And you can see it here.

Inspiration, Where have You Gone??

2010-05-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have always been one whom draws inspiration from beautiful and inspired people and places and things (ha--I guess that would be inspirational noun). I need to be where I can just flow with the moment. I have always been a dreamer-and since I have children, there is very little time for following dreams. Oh, how I wish I had a studio. Music inspires my moods. And my children inspire me everyday.

But I had no space to create. I have no time to create--unless I want to stop a thousand times in one session.

I am telling myself to make it happen. I am going to make a list of all the things I want to do. And scratch them off one by one-whether small or big. I think it is important do do for yourself still, even after children. It helps you hold onto the person you are/were. I lost her after Brenna. But Brenna was worth it (as are the other sweets in my life).

But I feel that in order to keep that love and like feeling in your relationship-that person needs to still be there somewhere. And I am slowly pulling her to the surface. Of course, I have grown tremendously, and am not going to be the exact replica, but a better version.

A big sense of who I am still remains, and I had been trying to figure out who that was. Luckily I think I am now on a new journey of discovering my future.

I am very happy. There are things that frustrate me, but overall I am a happy person. And that makes me even more happy. I owe part of the to discover me again. To realizing (and remembering) I am not only a mother or wife, but I am also an individual.

Surrond Yourself with Good

2010-05-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

As I have gotten older, I have realized I do not need people in my life that will bring me down. That I do have some great friends. And there is no need, or want, of fillers in my life. I am so blessed to have certain people in my life, and surrounding me.

I am a perfectionist, so everything I do-I always feel is not quite good enough. But I am still proud of the things I create, because most of the time I surprise myself. I come close to what I want the end result to be, so I am filled with positivity.
I have never been made to feel like someone with no talent, until recently. That is an awful feeling.

I think it is best to keep your head up, and stay persistant in your art. Whatever that may be. Love life, and the people in it. Don't discourage others, lift them up, and give encouragement.

That's what Dreams are made of

2010-05-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't have wanted to spend today any other way. We grilled at Reed Bingham Park today. It was such a beautiful day out, and I am soo glad we decided to get out and have a family afternoon. The kids loved it, and so did Justin and I. It was quite crowded, but we managed to find an area out of the way with a grill. We really need to do things like that more often.

Senses Overload

2010-05-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am soo very blessed to have three amazing children. I never wanted more than one child, but I got three. I never wanted children before the age of 27, but I had three at 24. And all the other plans I had were thrown out the window. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Mother's Day!

Where to Begin

2010-05-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

Jumping head first into a business is scary stuff. Luckliy we have yet to take the full plunge. We are dipping our toes in first. ha.

Plus, financially we are not in a position to run with this right now. AS much as it would be awesome to drop everything and dive in, it just is not smart for us at this moment. I think we will probably be easing our way in for a while.

We still have a lot more to learn about photography and business. I am excited I will be taking a digital photography class and business class this summer (among more cores).

Need to take some shots of the kids ths weekend.

Summer is Approaching

2010-05-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

Inspiration

2010-05-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

I have found myself feeling torn between two worlds. The world of "reality" and the world of art. I am desperately trying to maintain both, but that is not how my brain works freely. I need to concentrate on one or the other.
Luckily, this summer I get to engage in all the art I desire. That is all I will be doing (besides taking care of my family and school work). I can not wait. I am soo excited. It will be a lot easier to be inspired when I am engulfed with creativity. I will finally get this huge canvas painted. I will finally get these commissioned paintings finished. I will finally get to work on what I want. And that means being able to get a little more creative with my photography.
One of the classes I am taking this summer is digital photography (and another is business). I am so happy that I decided to do a double major and incorporate my art degree into my life.
There are soo many things I want to do for my future, but I suppose they will all happen with time.

Hill Art & Photography

2010-04-18T06:59:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let you know that I started a blog for Hill Art and Photography. This is very exciting for my husband and I, and sooo much fun. It is amazing to be able to do what you love.

We are not officially a business as of yet, we are just getting our feet wet. But things are coming along pretty good so far. We want to make this our careers. And while I do know owning your own business is not all sunshine and rainbows, it is yours and you are your own boss. That in itself is soo worth it all. Especially when you have children and family time is your number one.

I will update more later, I just wanted to let youknow to go check it out soon. I have not even gotten the first post up yet though. But be checking.

Real Quick...

2010-04-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in FOREVER! But I am have been pretty busy with well..life. I am happy, and things are blossoming. I am in the process of starting a new blog...more on that later. I have to get ready for work. And go pick up Brenna from school. But look for a "better" post very soo. And here is a picture, bc blog posts with photos are more fun.

Giveaways!

2010-03-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

Here are two pretty awesome giveaways. Who doesn't love free stuff? Click on the links to see how to enter to win.

The first is a $50 gift certificate to Cherry Tree Avenue. Where you can find handmade boutique-style clothing. So cute.

Then there is a giveaway from a full house of moxie blog. She is giving away the book Mommy Millionaire.

Of course, I am hoping to win both. haha.

have an epiphanie

2010-03-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

Justin and I have recently decided to take the plunge and start our very own photography and art business. It is very exciting. We have both always loved art and photography, so this is going to be quite the adventure. A dream come true. I will write more about that later though.

Tonight while rummaging through many different photography sites and blogs, I happened to come across Epiphanie. These camera bags are so awesome, and very stylish. I love the compartments and I can not wait to get my hands on one of these. This one in particular...

And on top of just having amazing camera bags--they are having a
Give-Away! this is the best Give-Away I have ever seen on a blog, or maybe I am bias because I have been eyeing this camera ever since we decided to take this wonderful adventure.

Life

2010-03-09T11:09:00.001-08:00

The past couple Sundays we have taken the kids to the park and had a picnic (at the picnic table-maybe one day we can do it on a blanket-but right now the table is easier). The kids love it, and I think Justin loves it even more. Mainly because gets to have food from his favorite local restaurant. haha.

Holding you

2010-03-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

Lastnight something so sweet happened. My little baby (actually toddler) laid down on me for about 30 minutes. To some this may sound trivial or strange, but you don't know this child. While she is loving, and adores sitting (and standing) on my lap while I am at the computer, she is not much of a snuggler.

Brenna was such a snuggler. When she was one, she would lay on her daddy to fall asleep. I was able to rock Trent to sleep at night when he had trouble getting there. But this child thinks rocking is playtime. She rarely lets someone hold her, and if she does it will not last longer than a minute.
Now granted, our snuggle time lastnight was initiated with her waking around midnight, but I'll take it.

Over the hump?

2010-01-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

Marriage is HARD work!! Plain and simple. There are times you want to scream and punch your spouse in the face. There are times you feel more love than you imagined your heart could encompass. And there are also times that you just need to be alone. But with it all comes compromise and understanding. You have to listen and talk. You have to be friends and lovers. And most importantly do not give up, fight for your marriage.

7 down, about 90 more to go

2010-01-14T05:51:00.000-08:00

I have been working out for the past few weeks. I have not changed my diet though. And there was one week my work-out-buddy and I only went to the gym one day. I have lost a total of 7 pounds from my starting weight. This is not very much considering I needed to lose about 100 lbs, but it is a start. It shows me that with harder work and determination I will reach my destination.

Unlike some, I do not have days I wish I didn't have to work out. The days I can't I feel down. That is one more day of feeling like poop, and not being a healthy weight.

I have struggled with my weight pretty much my entire life. When I was about 4 my parents got divorced, so I would spend 6 weeks out of every summer with my dad. These 6 weeks consisted of my being able to eat as I wanted, no restrictions. And since there were several at my mom's, I blew this way out. There were several summers I gained 10 lbs, and then I'd lose it when I went back to my moms. My weight has fluctuated for the better part of my existence.

I have never been happy with the way I looked. At 115lbs, and wearing a size 2, I thought to myself "just 10 more lbs and I will be happy". Luckily I no longer feel that way. I think I felt the best about my body when I started dating Justin. He always made me feel great about myself, and still does. I was about 130lbs (a size 6) for the beginning of our relationship, and that is my goal now. I think I looked great that size. I was a healthy weight for my height and still had curves.

I think the most importatnt thing about weight is to be happy and comfortable in your body and to be healthy. Having gestational diabetes with all three pregnancies, I am at very high risk of developing it later on in life. And being overweight only makes those odds go up. This is just one of the many reasons I want to lose weight. I don't really like to say "lose weight". I have been saying "becoming healthy", because that is what I feel is the important issue with it all. And also because I do not want my daughters to feel the way I felt growing up. I do not want my children to be concerned with their weight. That in itself is unhealthy.

I will try to keep this updated with my progress. I do not really feel very comfortable disclosing my starting weight, but I will. I am 5ft 2in and I started out at 228lbs (according to the gym scale). My BMI lastnight was 40.1-very high.

Maid Service

2010-01-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could hire a maid service to come clean my house a few times a week. Even once a week would help out. I hate cleaning. I love to organize though. So if someone could just come and do all the heavy cleaning and I will declutter and make things look nice. I need help witht he laundry. It just piles up in no time. I guess with five people that is bound to happen. Especially since 2 are under 3 and then the 5 year old loves to wear several outfits a day. Which I have cut out with threats. haha.

Things are about to change a lot around here. Justin and I are both going to be swamped with work and school. So I took today off to try and get things cleaned up and organized today (and I didn't want to have to ask someone to babysit). I have made a good bit of progress, but I still have a long ways to go. If I can just get it clean looking, I will get down to the nitty gritty this weekend.

I want to get things ready to bring the "new" desk in for the computer. I am very ready to retire this hand-me-down armoire and move on to the hand-me-down desk. ha. Then I will start making preparations for some new things, like twin beds for the kids, a new dining table and chairs, and there is more but I relaly don't have the time to list it all. I AM CLEANING. And I guess my break shuold be over now.

Without Notice

2010-01-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

This evening Trent complained of his stomach hurting. Didn't think too much about it. He didn't complain much either, and then hopped up in Justin's lap. In almost no time Trent was asleep. This is not normal. Trent is such a night owl. But I thought maybe he was tired?

A couple hours later, just a few minutes ago, Justin went to our room-where Trent was laying, and yelled to me to come help. Trent had thrown up. Poor little baby boy. He thought he had peed on himself. I ran a bath, while Justin undressed him. While I bathed our little boy, Justin cleaned it up and changed the sheets.

He now feels better. And is laying on the couch watching tv, drinking the apple juice Justin made him.

And here I sit, trying to occupy myself with my school work, but not doing a very good job of it. Thinking how wonderful it is to have a great husband.

Into it ALL

2010-01-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

I thought Emily had passed the awful "Into Everything" phase. But I was horribly wrong. She gave it a rest for a while, and now she is into it ALL more than ever.

She is into the trash. Into the pantry. Climbing on the table. Climbing on the toilet-and turning on the faucet to the bathroom sink. Climbing Brenna's ladder top he top bunk. Eating whatever food she can get her little hands on.

This child does not stop. She is talking tons, and a lot more advanced than I remember Brenna being. She is so sweet, but can be so mean. She is very sassy, and very funny. I can not believe this child is only 1 and a 1/2.

We are about to start potty training, as soon as my sister come and takes the dog back. We have introduced her to the potty and she is aware, so it shouldn't be too much work once we begin.

I am so thankful for this little tyrant. Although I was strongly against having three children. I feared someone would get lost in the mix, and the third would become a spoiled rotten brat. But Emily will not be. Luckily all three are so close in age, they become like one large mass. And no one will be forgotten. They will not allow such. I think Justin and I are doing a pretty good job of trying to keep a balance.

I Want to Scream

2010-01-06T07:32:00.000-08:00

I am not, nor have I ever been, a morning person. Do not wake me, I will be grumpy. I will be mean. I will not talk. I want silence.

Having children, this is a problem. You can not sleep in. You have to talk and be chipper in the morning hours. And you can not be mean or grumpy when your children wakes you. And they always wake before me, therefore they wake me, or Justin does.

I am trying to help myself be better. But sometimes I need a break. And most of the time it is in the morning.

Life beckons and I stand still. Pondering all that is and all that was. But I am happy, and I do love my life for the most part. But I am only human.

New Year Brings New Beginnings

2010-01-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

I have always made New Year resolutions. But this year I decided not to. Mostly because I rarely follow through with them. I am just going to concentrate on the important things in my life and make the best of everything. Live. And that is all I can do. I just want to continue being happy.

While I am not making proclaimed resolutions, I have decided to do several things. Not because of a new year, but just because I want to. It wouldn't matter what time of year, or what year.

I have started getting Emily used to the toilet, and she knows when she does go potty on herself. She has not gone on the toilet as of yet, but I haven't really fully been in potty training mode. It's a bit much with training the puppy too.

I have been working out for about 3 weeks. And making a conscious effort about what food I put into my body. I am not anywhere I want to be as far as my health, but I know I am getting there. It is going to feel amazing. I already feel so much better regularly exercising and trying to eat healthier.

I will continue with my double major, in art and early childhood education. I have mapped it out and should be ready to transfer in a year. I also have plans to do more in my art. I have been feeling inspired.

I used to plan my future out, but have realized, three kids later, that there is really not much point in mapping it all out. I do want to move when I finish school, but we will see where life takes us. We might end up living in this narrow town forever. I surely hope not though. haha.

I know I need to enjoy my kids more. I need to document more from these years.

I took these photos in our yard the other night. It was freezing out, but I got some shots of the beautiful trees we have.

Misha Lulu, I love you!

2009-12-31T15:52:00.000-08:00

I absolutely adore Misha Lulu designs. I first thought I could not afford these awesome children's clothes, but then I came across the wonderful Surplus Store. YAY!! I am in love with the vintage and whimsical feel. And where I am from it is pretty difficult to find unique clothing.

Here are a few pieces I like-although I must say-I think I really like it all!

Kids Decor-Part One

2009-12-30T20:54:00.000-08:00

There are several things I am wanting right now. Not just for myself, but for my home and dog, and more.

First of all, I am wanting to decorate Brenna and Trent's bedroom. Since we live in a 3 bedroom, they share a room. Emily has the smallest room. And Brenna and Trent have the largest room (honestly, their room is huge-it is bigger than mine and Justin's room). Currently they have a bunkbed with a built-in desk. I hate this thing. I can't make Brenna's bed. And can barely make Trent's. It feels so awkward also. So we are going to get them twin beds when able.

I definitely want this bedding for Brenna. And I think this bed is very classic, and is gender neutral, so it would be great for both Brenna and Trent.

I love this iron bed. But I am not sure what I would rather do. Especially since I would like for them to have the same bed while they share a room.

I just thought this was so cute. If Trent had his own room, this is how I would love to decorate it.

And Brenna would love this. It would be cute for Emily also.

All of this can be found at The Land of Nod. They have so many great things for kids decor. I could look around there forever. And it gives great inspiration.

To care or Not to care

2009-12-30T20:41:00.000-08:00

I sometimes think that I should try to not care about certain things. But then again, that wouldn't be me. And also, I might miss something that could make me look like a complete dumby, and I do not want to be such.

But here I am all stressed and worried, because I do care. There is no problem with caring. Unless there are other people involved that might not care as much.

I have trouble fully trusting. I feel I should never completely let my guard down. And I don't. Not even with my husband. And if given any reason to question my impartial trust in you, makes me raise red flags everytime I encounter a hint of a question. This is stressful. And makes me want to just not care. But then I am faced with knowing that I can be made to look foolish. And I do not like that.

What to do..what to do...

Stealing from the Moneyless

2009-12-29T18:08:00.000-08:00

I checked my ebay account a little while ago, and saw that I had like $13 more in my ebay bucks. WHAT? HOW? Did justin buy something? I will kill him. Did they double my bubks, triple them?

So I opted to check the details of where all my bucks had come from. And much to my surprise I had purchased something for a whopping $688!! Now to some this may be a tiny amount. But for those of us who live paycheck to paycheck, this is a very large amount!! Especially when that is more then your paycheck.

I thought maybe it was a glitch with their systems. So I thought I would check my paypal. Surely it hadn't come from there. But better safe than sorry. WELL..I WAS SORRY!! There it was right before my very own eyes. A payment for $688. I wanted to cry, while my heart nearly pounded from my chest. What to do? What to do?

In a panic I sent a message to the seller, telling them not to mail the package. I then realized I should file a claim with paypal. So I did that. And then I changed my password and security questions. I then called my bank, which was not very helpful, because the payment was pending. WELL STOP IT FROM PENDING!! But they couldn't.
SO I them called paypal. I just had to make sure I had done all that I could do. And I had.

Now all I can do is wait. Wait and hope I get my money back very soon. They say the longest it will take is 10 days, but it usually gets resolved in a couple.

For the time being, I am moneyless. And realizing I should periodically change my passwords. And I am still freaking out a little.

The End of Another Year

2009-12-27T22:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over. And a new year is about to begin. It feels crazy to me. This year has flown by so quickly, without time for a breath. It scares me a little to think we are about to be starting a brand new year. And this one will have passed, just as all the others. And then the new one will pass a little more quickly. I feel I need to hold on tight and try to slow the clock. But I have no control here. And that scares me a little more.

I am torn. I want these next couple years to rush by, so I can finally be finished with school and in my career. But I want them to be slow, so I can hold my babies longer. So I don't miss them growing.

The photos are from Christmas Eve, right before my mom brought the kids their presents from her. And Emily had gotten Trent's toothbrush. He tried to take it from her, but lost that battle. I happened to have the camera right by me to document. I want to sqeeze these moments into a box and always remember them. I want to have a million more fights, and kisses, and hugs, and playtimes, and naps, and snuggles.

Happy (day after) Christmas

2009-12-26T06:18:00.001-08:00

Well, Christmas was excellent. Of course! Our kids had an awesome amount of gifts to go along with all the great family fun. And even Justin and I got a few presents this year. I wasn't expecting anything. We did not, however, buy for eachother this year. But that is not the meaning of Christmas, or the importance.

Justin was freaked out that the kids didn't have enough for Christmas gifts. But I thought they had more than enough. I won out, and he realized they indeed had A LOT. I do not think you should bankrupt yourself in order to buy presents for your children (or anyone for that matter).

I want my children to appreciate the gifts they receive, and overly excessive gifting will ensure they expect a lot all the time. And with that expectation comes unapprecaition and entitlement. I want my childrent to be thankful. To know that there are some children that do not get presents. I want my children to be giving and gracious. And I do believe that they are so far. I might need to remind them to say thank you, but that is to be expected with children of their ages.

I am so blessed. I thank God every night for my three little blessings.

Traditions are important

2009-12-17T16:08:00.000-08:00

I am so excited for this weekend. I can not wait for my sister, and her family, to get here friday. Then Saturday we are celebrating Christmas with my extended family. I love this time of year. I have always thoroughly enjoyed getting together with my big family. And over the years we have grown, with my some cousins and I being married and having children of our own. It is so exciting. I hope this tradition continues, even when the older generations are no longer here with us.

Family has always been very important to me. I always was so proud of how close our family was. But when my Papa died I felt us kind of drift a bit. Maybe it was all in my own head, but it felt he was the one who brought us so close. He and my Nana have been great influences in all of our lives.

We have still continued with our holiday traditions. Over the years they have been tweaked here and there, but pretty much the same. And I have still always looked forward to getting together on Thanksgiving and for Christmas. But this year I think I am more excited.

For some reason, Thanksgiving felt a little different this year. It felt warmer, like in the old days. Everyone felt more sincere, and closer. And I am so excited for our Christmas celebration. I love my family.

Where to go from here

2009-12-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

I look back at pictures of myself before I ever got pregnant, and I can not help but think how in the world Justin would still be attracted to me. I look completely different. I am envious of that girl in those photos. She could be sexy, even though she didn't think about it. She could be confident, even though at times she wasn't. She could wear whatever she wanted, although she was still modest. And she was completely free, and she did exercise it somewhat.

But I try to think about how much I have changed. I know definitely in appearance. And self-esteem. But have I changed so much in other ways? I am just a completely different person altogether?

Every once in a while I can feel that 19 year reaching or the surface. She has to still be in here somewhere. And hopefully one day I will uncover her. Be the me I know I am. The me I feel I am, but am too afraid to express in this body.

But why am I too afraid to truly be myself in this body? I guess because I am not confident. This shell doesn't allow for much, and I can't even dress the way I want. I feel like the people that have only known me this size, do not even know me at all. I have almost forgotten who I am.

Most of the Time

2009-12-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

Life is amazing most of the time. Everyday I catch glimpses of happiness in the eyes of others. I love to know that people feel love. Especially children. I love working with kids, and have a passion for working with the children who need that extra push, or love, or smile, or hug, or encouraging word. Those are the differences I can make. And I want to make a difference in atleast one persons life, if I do more-then that would be awesome.

It literally breaks my heart into pieces when I hear about a child that is in bad circumstances, or situations. I want to help them. To pull them from the pain, and let them know that life can be better, it will get better. To bring a smile to their faces.

I think in order to succeed in your career, and be happy, you need to have a passion for what you are doing in life. Whether it be building homes, fixing leaky faucets, planting trees, working with children, painting, or delivering babies-you need to have a desire for it.

I am so blessed in so many ways. And I am thankful for that.

Not MY Plan

2009-12-13T18:00:00.000-08:00

There are many days I think to myself how easy life would be if I had no children, or even if I only had one. But I don't. I have three. And sometimes it feels like four. ha. But I love it. And even though some days I am overworked, and overstressed-I am still happy. I am genuinely happy with the fact that Justin nad I have three amazing children. All unplanned, but very welcomed.

My Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Santa: yes or no?

2009-12-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

I never really thought too much about whether telling my children that there was a Santa Claus who brought them gifts on Christmas Eve. I believed in Santa, so where was the harm in it all? I was on a site recently that I frequent, and on one of the forums a parent was talking about howthey do not "do Santa" in their home. Then as I continued to read the other posts I saw many other parents who didn't "do Santa". They all had their reasons: some were religious, some were simply about trust.

It got me thinking, was there any harm in allowing my children to believe in Santa? Would they be scarred, and unwilling to trust the things I tell them?

As far as not talking about Santa because of religious beliefs, that does not have much affect on whether I tell my children that there is a bearded, old man in a red suit that brings them gifts the night before Christmas. I was raised Christian, and my parents still told me there was a Santa. I was upset when I found out he wasn't real though. ha.

But I guess I sometimes get stuck in my own bubble. I do not really realize the contraversies around things I have always viewed as harmless fun, and in a way tradition. We are still telling our kids about Santa. There is not much talk about him, but my children get photographed with Santa, and they think that he brings them presents on Christmas Eve. We have fun with it, and the kids enjoy it.

Heading Out

2009-11-27T06:15:00.001-08:00

Today I am leaving for a tiny roadtrip to see my sister, Ashley, and her little family. Just me and the kids-and my other sister, Chelsey and her boyfriend, Jerry. I am soo excited. But I still haven't packed. I am getting in the shower and then packing as soon as I finish this post. ha.

Yesterday was great! For some reason it felt like my rather large extended family was like it used to be. In the days when my Papa was here. We were all soo close, and yesterday everything felt real. It was nice. I can't wait for Christmas. I love that we all get together during the holidays like that. I always have.

And this year, when we took family photos like normal, I had my camera ready. Does that mean I am growing up? Oh, no.

When we got a shot of "all the kids"-it was weird to see us all grown up and with children of our own. And some of us married, or on the verge. (there were several people not there for one reason or the other-maybe one day we will get a photo with us all).

We made it to see the lights turn on this year. Barely though. ha. We got there 5 minutes before they turned them on. It was soo cool-to see a ton of the community gather to watch streams of lights being turned on for the first time this year. We didn't stay downtown for very long, because it was colder than I had anticipated. The kids had jackets, but Emily needed more.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Thankful

2009-11-26T08:29:00.001-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving. A day to remind yourself of all the things in your life that you should be appreciative. Here is what I am so very thankful for: My beautiful children, Brenna, Trent, and Emily. That I have a nice home to live in. I have food to eat. My family's health. That even though Justin and I drive eachother crazy-we still love eachother. That my family all get together on the holidays and I get to celebrate with all of them-just like I have we have since I can remember. That I have awesome friends-there may be few-but that is because I know who is true-and that is all I want around. That my sisters are my friends. My children truly love one another and care about their family. That I am able to go back to school. That I have a job-well two jobs. For my artistic ability. For my happiness in life. And the love I have.

I better get off and get ready to share this day with the rest of my family.

Breaking Point?

2009-11-23T19:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things happen in your life. And you aren't sure how to handle it. What will make you feel better? And it is worse when the person that should be by your side and that should be helping you feel better is the cause. Where do you go? What do you do? How do you escape the pain?

Handling heartache is very difficult for me. Especially when it comes from certain people. And there is a horrible feeling of helplessness. A feeling of wanting to escape, but wanting to fight it out. But where do you go when the pain will only follow you?

What do you say when you have bottled it up, because you are not allowed to talk about it?

How do you talk to someone who makes you feel like crap? And then makes you feel stupid for feeling like crap? And on top of that never knows how to make you feel better.

I think I am at a crossroads. The kind that changes you. Not necessarily your situation at first, but yourself.

Maybe this is it. But who knows.

I'm Scared of that One

2009-11-22T19:00:00.001-08:00

I was pulling up my email from Yahoo. And there was a picture of Micheal jackson. Trent was sitting on my lap, and as soon as he saw the photo said,"Ewww! Scary!!". I just couldn't help but laugh! And then he said, " I'm scared of that one. I don't like that one, monster." Too funny. Those were my thoughts exactly.

The Meaning in a Name

2009-11-22T18:05:00.000-08:00

I accidentally came across the meaning of Brenna's name. I had never really though about it before. But it got me intrigued. I wondered what all our names meant. And this is what I found.

BRENNA is an American name meaning Sword. RYAN is an Irish name meaning King.

TRENT is an English anme meaning Thirty. ENDER is a Turkish name meaning Extremely Rare.

EMILY is an English name meaning To Strive or Excel or Rival. DRESDEN is a city in Germany, also a fine porcelain.

JENNIFER is an English name meaning Fair Phantom or White Wave. LEANN is an English name meaning Merciful, Gracious Field

JUSTIN is an English name meaning Fair and Just. ELI is a Hebrew name meaning Height.

Stuffable Nose

2009-11-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

Our sweet little Emily is going through a phase where she wants to jam everything up her nose. I have used the *** to remove poptart a couple of times. And usually about once a day I remove threading from her bobby pillow we keep in her bed. That is a little trickier. I have to use the tweezers sometimes. haha. Brenna and Trent never did this.

If you look closely you can see the thread in her right nostril-all packed in there.

This darling girl also likes to steal food from anywhere she can get it. Poor Trent gets his juice and food stolen all the time. If you lay it down, or leave it too close to the edge of the table--Emily is going to snatch it up in a heartbeat. And she knows when she has takens Trent's she better run. it is so hilarious, she will grab his poptart or capri-sun when he isn't looking and then take off with a big smile across her face.

It is almost impossible to sneek into her room when she is asleep. Almost everytime, as soon as you open the door, she will quickly pop up-blanket in hand-arms reached out-and eyes closed. haha.

This is a rare instance where I was actually able to make it in her room while she was sleeping without her waking. I snapped one shot of her with the camera and she woke.

Good Morning and Sleepyhead Photos

2009-11-09T08:19:00.001-08:00

Emily taking a late nap

Brenna likes to sleep in her clothes

Trent asleep on the couch

Goodmorning, Emily!

Goodmorning, Brenna! - before school

Goodmorning, Trent!

Photography Fun

2009-11-02T23:20:00.000-08:00

Justin bought our new camera from a friend for an incredibly good deal!! Luckily we had a little money left over from my HOPE scholarship. I have been wanting an SLR camera for some time now-but they are SOO EXPENSIVE. Not within my reach. UNtil...in walks my husband one night with a used Canon Rebel xt with two lenses!! For way cheap! How could I resist. Since I have never used a camera of this caliber, I have been playing around with it. Only on auto mode. I plan on trying out manual mode this week though. WOOHOO! Chelsey came over Sunday to do a little photoshoot. It didn't last long. haha. And here are a few of the pictures from that day.